By: Ross Lockhart, Staff Writer
Having just turned 21, I knew this was going to be a legendary night.
I started out the night by crushing a flask of Seagram's gin with an OJ chaser. Yum. We listened to "The Bad Touch" and "Love In This Club." Need some help finishing that bottle of Southern Comfort, Jess? No problem. Hand it over. After an impromptu class on proper booty bouncing technique, it was time to go. We walked outside. Emi puked already? Game on.
It took every ounce of restraint in our bodies to keep ourselves from sprinting to The Union. Once inside, I was graced with a coveted 21+ wristband. Yes! B-Funk was playing. Beer #1 went down so smooth. DJ Barticus showed up and killed it. He played "Hot in Here" by Nelly and set it off. My heathens and I proceeded to get our sweat on to various tunes. Diplo's bounce track "Express Yourself" featuring Nicky da B came on and I was so psyched.
I almost forgot to mention that I was wearing super small blue shorts with my keyboard cat T-shirt tucked into it. This outfit was designed for maximum azz shaking performance, although I was a little worried at first that my nuts would fly out and maim someone. As I was re-upping on brews at the bar, a guy complimented me on my shirt. Sweet. Thanks, brother. Okay, bring on Big Freedia. Barticus was killing it, but I wasn't there to stare at his frizzy ponytail all night.
After grueling anticipation, she appeared. The mere sight of Big Freedia brought the crowd into a frenzy. Standing up on stage before her army of wasted dance floor warriors, she was more magnificent than I ever could have imagined. Tears streamed from my eyes and I decided right there and then that I would die for Big Freedia.
From here, I don't remember much. The beat dropped and the room exploded. Everyone went fucking berserk. Azz everywhere. So much azz shaking. Everyone was instantly soaked with sweat. A certain drummer from Cop Hugger had his cheeks all over me. I slapped a random girl's azz. She was into it. I climbed on stage. This was my show now. Some dude kept smacking my azz but whatever. It's all love. I kissed someone and touched Freedia's huge biceps. She was in total control, a stoic conductor before an orchestra of chaos. Y'all get back now. Best night of my life.
Then, as soon as it had begun, it was over. The Queen Diva stepped off stage and I touched her one last time. The music ceased and the crowd abated. It was then I realized I was missing my azz. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it. Did someone steal it? It must have come loose from all that shaking. At the time of this writing, I still do not have a bottom. If anyone finds an azz, size medium, anywhere around Athens, please contact me at 734-347-6659 as soon as possible. Thanks.